When Expectations Ruin Relationships

It's your birthday... you wake up, the house is quiet, hubby is already up, you start to think "he and the kids must be making me breakfast in bed for my birthday..."  So, you lie and bed and wait...and wait... and wait......

You finally decided to get up because it's getting late and you haven't heard a peep.  You walk out of your room to find the kids all sitting down with a movie, cereal all over the counter, and a note from hubby that reads, "Ran to meet [so&so] from church. Be back in a few hours". 

What do you feel? 

Sadness?  Anger?  Disappointment?  Thoughts begin to creep in, "It's MY birthday, and he leaves for the morning?"...... "Wow, he obveously really doesn't care about ME".... "Why does he never make my birthday special?" .... "He seriously let the kids have cereal for breakfast" .... wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt, optimism begins to set in, "Oooohhh, maybe he's up to something!!!!"  And suddenly, more expectations, "...he probably went out to get me a surprise gift!!!"  And more thoughts of negativity, "he seriously forgot my birthday and is just NOW getting my gift?! Ugh!"

It's an ugly cycle of thoughts.

The truth is, having expectations of what we deserve and what will make us happy damages our marital relationship. It might seem innocent... wishing our hudband would do this, or wishing he would say that.  But wishing for something our husband is not, is being discontent with what God has given us!
When we live in that world we are in danger of three very damaging things:

1. A Complaining & Unthankful Spirit
The habit of complaining leads to an unthankful spirit, and vise versa, an unthankful spirit leads to a life of complaining.  They truly go hand-in-hand.  A prideful heart is quick to complain about everything... because a prideful person only thinks about how things effect them and their lives.  A prideful person is always focused on what is happening to them.  They are upset easily, irritated easily, and angered quickly.  Their feelings are often hurt, they feel neglected, lonely, and unliked.  The truth is, if we often have these feelings we desperately need to find the root of the problem.  The root of the problem is typically that there are so many expectations of how others should treat us, speak to us, what others should be doing for us, and so on, that when others lives do not revolve around us, we complain, and have a hard time being thankful for anything.

2. A discontented Heart
Discontentment is an ugly monster.  It robs us of JOY.  It comes from an unthankful and complaining spirit.  Discontentment happens often when we feel that our needs are not met, that we put more into a relationship than our spouse, that we do everything and we just wish it were different.  Discontented thoughts can be recognized quite easily if we listen to our wants, wishes and desires.
"I wish my husband made more money"
"I wish he was more romantic"
"I wish he remembered that Valentine's Day means a lot to me"
"I wish he led our family better"
"I wish he disciplined our children [this way]"
"If only he helped [in this way]"
"If only he did [this] to show his love"

....are you seeing the discontentment here?

Are you seeing the danger in these "simple wishes"?  Discontentment isn't only when we are unhappy with material possessions and circumstances. We can be discontent with our spouse quite easily and not even recognize it.

3. A Hurting Relationship
How do these hurt our relationship?  Negativity, negativity, negativity!  If we always wish our husband would be something different, do something better, love us more, and so on... he will never live up to what we expect him to be.  How could he?  If he did everything we wished he would, we would find faults in other areas!  We would have new expectations that could never be met all because of our unthankful, discontent and complaining spirit. 

Do we really "deserve" anything to begin with?  Self entitlement is destructive.  It's the root of our expectations.  We feel as though we deserve to be happy and deserve a picture perfect life.  Let's talk truth....we deserve nothing. (Does that mean one puts up with an abusive relationship and live in danger and fear... that's clearly not what I'm talking about at all)... I'm talking about letting go of our prideful expectations and loving our husbands for who God made them.  If we could learn, as Paul learned, "in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content" our relationship with our spouse would greatly benefit from such an outlook.

Don't allow negativity and expectations to ruin your relationship with your husband.  This goes for all relationships, but often our husband is the biggest target. 

And when you find yourself in this place, ask God to help you recognize the areas that you are discontent, complaining, and ungrateful.  Begin by making a list of all the things that you love about your husband, everything he is good at, etc.  Take time to thank him and praise him for these areas.  You'll begin to realize that God gave you the perfect spouse for you.  When we realize that we truly don't deserve anything but have been given everything by God's grace, we are quicker to compliment than to complain.  We're quicker to smile than to frown.  We are more easily content and our relationship will flourish!